Watching Luna Die

Degenerative Myelopathy

Found out what it was, peace that it was not from her injury and that with a rear lift harness and attention to bedding and potty schedule she could live for a year or more - and in the past 2 days I can see she is giving up.   The dog who loves her food will barely eat, I tempt her with special things, she nibbles.  She is just winding down.  I don't know how to do this.

We Have A Post

We Have A Pope!

Could not help but go back in time to the last Papal election.   I was Mrs. Corporate Middle Management with my nice office and house by the lake, was a busy lady, an important person!  When I saw the news blurb of white smoke I turned on the TV in a nearby conference room, one of the guys from upstairs came down to watch with me.   

Today, I have learned the lessons of loss and poverty.  Today we were having an office luncheon to say "Goodbye" to Sister Marta as she leaves for several months.  The computer was on the table with "smokewatching feed" as much of the staff from our parish and school listened to Father W. talk about the Papacy, conclaves... as I watched the screen it crossed my mind "would it be sumptin' if that white smoke started as we sat here listening to Father answer questions and teach (and does Father LOVE to teach!)..." but.... I knew it was really too early in the day, we'd not see the smoke from the day's elections for at least another hour or so.

And then, Sister Marta and I at the same time said "smoke smoke" and a chorus of voices said "IT IS WHITE".   Sr. Marta hugged me and told me she loved me, there were tears in my eyes as I shared with my parish family that moment.

The staff snapped into action, setting up the projector in the Hall and getting the stream from EWTN going.  All of the students from SJS Catholic School came to the hall and staff, some parents, and the kids - we all waited together.  Now, like with any family gathering, the sound feed kept sputtering and the kids were far too loud, but, it was just that - it was a family gathering.  Father would come in and shuss everyone (we adults were as bad as the kids with our chatter), then go out to take a call.  Our parish church bells rang for that entire time of "anticipation".... Father found his place, on the floor, seated amid the littlest of the kids, looking at that screen with the same face of joy  - - - we are all gonna see our PAPA.

When we saw light behind the curtain, I grabbed the arm of next to me, our music teacher, and said "that is HIM" and she was as giggly as I.

Well, while I have lost many things in the past few years, I have gained as well - this time, it was much better meeting the new Pope surrounded by family.

Why did I choose a theme package with airplanes?  Because I just want to fly away.  Weary, weary, weary.   It is March 2, we have 10.98 until I get paid on Thursday.   This barely scraping by makes one old before their time.  Guess I am supposed to be a good Christian and thank God that the the only unpaid bill are the medical bills (since they cannot repo a MRI I think I am safe there).

Luna is still circling the drain.  I found one of those doggie wheelchair thingies that would allow her to get up and go potty, but, it might as well cost $249,000 because there will never be an extra $249 in this house.  My dear friend Kim has offered to pay to have my dog put down and buried.  Now, that is the kind of friend that money cannot buy.  I love you, Kim.  I love you so much it hurts.

Last night all I wanted was to go to sleep, and thank God He gave me a night of sleep.  I was cuddled with the afghan that my mommy crocheted for me.  What a comfort that blankey is these days.

Tomorrow is ordination day, a day of joy for our parish, our Diocese and for my friends George and Brenda.  Gotta pull it together and be happy for them tomorrow...

Luna is old.  Luna is tired.  Luna has been my very best friend.

Her hips are so weak that she cannot get up without assistance and she is too heavy (in spite of her ribs showing these days) for me to lift.  So, on these evenings when Brad is at work, she goes between sleeping and yowling.  I am grateful when she gives up and goes to sleep.  She looks at me with those eyes and does not understand why I will not pick her up so she can go outside.  It is the yowling that kills me.

Anyone who has met Luna knows that her happy sound is something like nine cats being smashed by a steam roller, so, you can imagine what her hurting and frustrated sound is like.  Sometimes I scream back at her, I feel so helpless.   I'd give one of my legs for hers to work, seriously, I would.  I'd kick it in that cool electric chair and never think a second thing about it.

In a matter of days I will have to make that most grown up decision, to have my dog "put to sleep".  I have prayed that it will not come to that, in my perfect imagining one evening Luna is her old self, she plays her nightly blanket game and we "sing".  She eats a big bowl of spaghetti and falls asleep beside me on the sofa as I crochet.  That night, sometime in the night, she just slips away.  I awake to find her still and gone.   (In my dream I do not go into the hysterical sobbing and with Brad calling my doctor for some Xanax while I vomit, it is far more Martha Stewart than that.)

Now, I lie in bed and worry about what to do with 35 lbs of dead Shiba Inu.  We are so poor that we cannot pay attention, I am sure that cremation costs a hundred bucks - where will that come from?  We live in town so we cannot just bury her in the yard, anyway, it is a rental and I could not just leave her here.

Right now, she is asleep again.  If I sit in this spot until Brad gets home, my back pain will keep me up, but, small price to pay so she knows I am close by and she is not yowling - yet.

This is it.  My Blog.  Wow.